As some of you might know, i.e. if you know me personally, I’ve got a finished script for a graphic novel that I’m trying to get illustrated. I’m writing this basically to give my potential partners in this project an idea of what I’m trying to achieve so that they can decide whether they want to join in.

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I feel that moments of melancholy and sadness are some of the most eliciting and influential of moments you can ever experience. The things that trigger the melancholy by altering your perspective a little, those little epiphanies? They make you feel like you’re experiencing raw truth. It literally cannot get any more real. This is doubly true when there’s power involved, or at least assumed power/authority. You live all your life assuming that you have some kind of a special thing hiding inside you. You feel that your specialty will reach you to great heights one day. You may even have respect from those who see you at a distance, from those you hold high. But all it leads to is a build up of ego that is a ticking time bomb. In the end, that trigger, the thing that triggers your melancholy isn’t actually the cause of your melancholy. It is simply that, a trigger.  What actually causes your melancholy is that pile of ego that has been parasitically feeding onto your ability to see the truth. When it’s time for the hard hitting facts to surface, the ego in you diffuses out. But it does so by eating you from the inside.

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This is a moment of clarity. I realize something now. I’m operating at less than a fraction of my true capacity. I’m not taking things seriously. I want to go back to being intense. Living like this…living at the hold of my whims was perhaps what I thought living luxuriously meant. I thought it was how one should end up living like when they’ve had enough of what the world has to offer. The truth is that, to the one who aims for true achievement, that point would never arrive. At least, one wouldn’t voluntarily let it arrive. I, heady and arrogant, let that point arrive so early in my life…in a life that is void of anything remotely relevant to achievement. I’ve been and still am so blind. I’m so powerless and such a slave to the whims in which I find myself immersed in that I can’t even fulfill my wish of having a fit body, a wish that I have the complete control of achieving, save for the inertia of the mysterious hurdles and temptations that my mind is accustomed to throwing at me. My only savior is these moments of clarity. But I’m not so oblivious as to hope that they are going to save me. They only have the potential to. I know this from my history with this my savior. They have provided me guidances numerous times in the past and yet I have not had the initiative to carry myself forward and go in their suggested path. This is a weakness of the mind, the very core of my being and self-perceived identity. It is I who is the source of all my weakness and these moments of clarity are alien to my nature. This is my present state. I want to make these peaks in my existence, these moments of clarity more frequent initially and eventually end up living in them after having discarded my present being.  

I want to transform. I want to evolve out. I want to be in control. I want to live. Consciously. 

I’ve stumbled upon a rather fascinating and exciting discovery in my rather infamous path to personal growth that I need to share with y’all. Now, most of us are very good at intellectual analysis and logical thought and we all know that education systems worldwide prioritize this particular ability. But this can only get someone so far. Inevitably we need to be well-balanced on emotional intelligence to be able to have functional, satisfying and meaningful interpersonal relationships, careers and lives. This essentially means that most people with successful and satisfactory lives have one thing in common – they are emotionally and intellectually balanced. But sadly, many live unsatisfactory, dysfunctional and depreciating lives filled with frustration, very little self-worth and very little to give to others…and much of this has to do with poor emotional intelligence and poor communication of emotions. In this little note, I will be discussing what EI means, possible factors causing poor EI and solutions.

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Ok. Right now, nothing makes sense. I don’t know what my fingers are typing. I know what I’ve typed only after I see the screen. So, we’re in together in this. We’re all waiting together to see what I’m going to type. Once upon a time, I was a character in a play. I played the character that was courageous, determined and had a concrete sense of what he wanted, who he was and why he had to do what he had to do. Then one day, that play had to end. The screens closed. I came out as a successful protagonist. It was because I so became that character. It was because I had my my script internalized . I was as happy as I could be. I slept with the most content heart I could have. I woke up. It was a new day. It wasn’t another one of the mornings that came before. It was new and different. I was handed a new script. The setup was changed. The illusion of eternal coherence of self shattered, universal ideas made meaningless, sense of belonging taken away, grandiose pursuits miraged, my ability to see beyond physical sight dismembered, there I was…unkowing of the meaning behind my directed actions, faking myself and everyone else involved of my dispositions. It felt like the end of a relationship; commitments made during which now only provoke distant laughters…in the mind of this new character I am supposed to have taken the form of. My lover replaced with a physical replica…all I now have is the thought that ‘The play must go on’. This is not meant to make sense. This is not for the understanding. This is not to be empathized with. This is to be forgotten.

Some random things about me of course. I’ve tried to be as honest as possible.

1) I once had a pet dog named Johnny when I was little. I tried to teach him fetch by throwing his food bowl all around the garden. He became less of a pet to me after that. 

2) For the longest time in my life, I used to adore the western countries. I used to hate living in India till I came to America. After I came here, I realized something very fundamental – The grass is always greener on the other side. The key to living on the green side is to see the beauty in what you already have. I realized that happiness seldom depends on anything tangible. It is a very elusive mind game. It takes a lifetime for most people to realize this. 

3) Right now, my hair feels amazingly flexible, light, lively and beautiful. 

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