My fears

3 minute read

I have to admit that my post just now revisiting the purpose of this website is a bit ominous and filled with threats of “dark forces” that seem so…all-powerful. And honestly it was all a bit too abstract and mysterious.

I think it’s helpful to be more specific of what I mean by dark forces and what exactly it is that I’m afraid of and how all this makes sense.

For the longest time in my life, the biggest inconvenience I’ve had is being misunderstood. It is a natural consequence of being different, being an individual of your own making, rather than an individual drifting among the sea of other individuals who sway as the winds shape their destiny. Anyone who moves in a direction dictated from within is going to come at odds with those who will move in whichever direction the wind goes.

As an unknown individual with little to no impact on the world, a misunderstanding is just an inconvenience. But as I set out to do more important things in life, a misunderstanding can become the difference between life and death. Not just of me as an individual, but of that of my endeavors, which are far bigger and more important than I could ever be.

There have been so many times in my life from the very early stages when I’ve been mislabeled, misunderstood, misinterpreted and misguided by those who did all these things. It is a risk that we each possess as individuals living in a world that is composed predominantly of people who are more members of groups than mere individuals. I have seen others like me who have risen to their potential and still continue to face the same treatment from those same people who would misunderstand me. I know that this problem is not something that is going to vanish from my life. It will only grow stronger. I suppose my fear of it is something that is a finite amount. And I’ve spent up that fear continually through my life. I know that even though I will never cease to face the threat of being misunderstood, one day I will cease to fear it. One day I will grow indifferent to it and simply respond dispassionately, do what is necessary and leave the rest to the natural course.

I do feel hurt when I am misunderstood. Especially when it is by someone that I believe is capable of truly understanding me. When someone has no potential to understand me, their misunderstanding is inevitable. But when they do possess that potential, and I’ve made attempts to seek being understood and seen, their failure to do so does disappoint me. My disappointment is proportional to my failed hope.

I suppose I’ve always just sought the comfort in knowing that I am not alone in being the way that I am. I suppose it is a universal desire, to belong to something that is larger than what we know to be ourselves. I suppose we could infer by the way we feel as we start out, we are just a fragment of something that was originally much larger. We may not remember what it was by knowledge, but by instinct we know if we are drifting further away or inching closer to being part of that whole. Somewhat like salmons swimming upstream to where they originated.

I have always felt that I am somehow further from the rest in arriving at that belonging. My unrest in not belonging has been vivid and intense throughout my life. I could never shake off the feeling of not belonging no matter where I have been. It is not a matter of the location. I have somehow known by instinct that the distance between where I am and where I belong is measured by my potential actions. I know that there are things that I must do with my life to arrive at where I belong. I just hadn’t known what the nature of those actions were. And I’m not sure if I still do. I have an idea about where my efforts should go but certainty in knowing that is something that builds up gradually.

Coming back to my fears, they are always about the potential harm that someone could do to my endeavors, the things that will give meaning to my life, out of their ignorance or their misunderstanding of me. To create something takes a lot of conscious energy and sheer life. Most people would feel this kind of existential fear when their children are at risk. I feel that way about my endeavors. Granted, I don’t truly know what it would mean to fear for the safety of their children given that I have none. But I do see my endeavors as my children. I know what they can do when they grow up in the world.

Despite me speaking about my fears, I have to say that I’m predominantly nonchalant. I handle pressure well. I don’t really have any intense or persistent fears of losing something important or failing. I know that I can get back up and keep moving on. And this dispassion and nonchalance has only grown with time and age. I’ve grown to realize that no matter how much you’ve lost, there is always something more to be grateful for and new beautiful things happen all the time.


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