I started this journal with a noble quest. To be transparent. To aspire for global intimacy. To aspire for nurturing trust to be a bond between us all.
But a reflection of where I have come drags the nobility of that quest down to the gutter. Metaphorically speaking. I feel like I’ve been duping myself and therefore duping others. There is no such a thing as a masklessness. You must mask up to interact. You must weave a narrative to exist. And as you weave it, you know it is all a lie. In social pyschology, the difference between a lie and truth is nothing more than just the magnitude of reinforcement.
There is no “me” that can flow onto these pages as words (or as lit pixels on a screen) that can encapsulate the essence of the unchanging within me. What flows must essentially be crafted. And what is crafted is nothing more than a lie born unto the world as reality through sheer will alone.
Once again, I feel foolish. And yet wise for knowing my foolishness.
And once again, I am weaving myself into this vision of a polished intellectual with enigmatic and sophisticated musings. It’s all a lie. A lie born unto this world as a truth simply through sheer will. Where is there a line between the truth and the untruth in this madness? There isn’t. And there lies the beauty.
When everything is a lie, you have freedom of choice. You can pick the lie you like. When you realize it’s a lie and you still play with it, you can laugh about it all.
And if you’re still lost as to what the thesis of this ramble is, then here it is - it’s all bullshit. Even in this instant, it is in play. Everything I’ve said above is bullshit constructed to divert your eyes from the actual truth. The actual truth is that I feel like shit for some things that I don’t yet feel ready to talk about in a public way. And if you had any notion that I am a brave man carrying the torch for human daring and spirit of exploration for wanting to start this public journal, then kick yourself. You’ve been duped. I’m just not yet ready enough for the consequences of public nudity.
As for the transparency and the unmasking of my true self for all to see, as intended at the start of this project, that shit hasn’t happened in the way it was intended to since the beginning. I always tell you only that which is flattering, hide that which is incriminating. You must be familiar to such inclinations yourself. Let’s not kid anyone.
Anyway, the point of this whole piece is a revisit to the initial agenda and comparing the current status with past projections. The graphs look like they need to go to the hospital to straighten up. And yet it also sets the precedent for the future course of action.
It can’t be me if my approach isn’t functionally optimistic. I have a plan. I have several things to share that will make you see me more. I think I’ll enjoy some invincibility to the jarring self-effacing admissions for a while. Considering this is just a ghost blog of some Mr. “don’t know, don’t care”. The plan is essentially for me to share incrementally as I prepare for the wrath or ridicule that will follow. I’m just growing guys. And given the nature of it, you’re part of the ride now.
Me looking for readers for my blog
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